Who's Life is it REALLY?

I'm tired of people telling me what to do. I feel like I am not in charge of my own life lately, and frankly, it's getting on my fucking nerves.

I understand that when I go to work that I have to do what I'm told. I get that, that's not the problem. It's other parts of my life. A lady at my church who is friends with my mom lectured me on paying rent so that my mom wouldn't have to get another part time job. Well woo hoo to you for standing up to me and all, but I can't afford it either. I'm in debt, big time. It's my own damn fault, I'm not blaming anyone for it, it's just that I can't always afford stuff either.

Oh, and this Sunday school class in church, it hasn't even started yet, and it's already getting on my nerves. WE HAVEN'T STARTED YET, and they already have all this stuff planned. And most of it's on a Sunday. Well GUESS WHAT, i WORK on sundays every other week. Oh, and I have a life outside of work and church, and I sometimes can't drop everything to do what they want. Half the events they have planned, I won't be able to be there. Plus, they planned them without even consulting half of us. It's getting on my nerves. I'm thinking about not even joining this class and staying down with the kids, because at least that is less frustrating and more rewarding. ugh, church should not be this HARD.

Speaking of having a life....I am actually doing some shit in Sept. I didn't get a vacation alllll summer, I didn't take a day off for hardly anything, and I am going to visit Waffles and then going to Atlantic City with Kassia. This is my mini vacation. I'm 22, if I don't have fun now, when exactly am I supposed to do it? And it's not like I'm doing anything big and exciting, I'm taking a long weekend and going to New Jersey. It just so happens that everyone and their brother has sooo much shit planned that weekend that I'm supposed to drop everything and join them. Well you know what? Maybe I don't WANT to make spaghetti for the church with you people. Maybe I don't WANT to go to the women's retreat with a bunch of ladies older than I am who feel the need to make me guilty because I'm not helping my mom out. Maybe I WANT to go the Atlantic City and drink, and gamble a little, and have stupid fun for a weekend with my best friend. Is that really such a crime? Really?

I just can't get over the fact that everyone seems to want to control my life lately. Maybe that's why my sleep schedule is the way it is. Because I can control that. I can't seem to control anything else.....

I'm just frustrated. And I can't seem to get un-frustrated and gain control. But I'm working on it....slowly.

Question for all of you out there

All right, this is a question to all of you out there who have ever dated someone. Where do you find these people?

I look for girls online. My mom is not a fan of this, and suggests I look for dates elsewhere. I went to a club/bar. That is also unacceptable. So all I got left is work and church....unless someone else can come up with some other option for me.

*I like meeting people online, my mom just seems to have a problem with it

The world is better through rose colored glasses

It's actually really nice out today. After the rain, and the humidity, and all the gross awful weather lately, it was actually nice out on the way home. And that made me feel better. I've been in a awful funk lately. Things have no only not been going my way, but they have just SUCKED.

I feel normal right now. I haven't felt normal in ages. I think i need counseling. Or new meds. Or less meds. I dunno. But i like not being pissed at everyone. i like feeling like ME.

Well I would, but....

It seems like every sentence that is uttered from people's mouth's including my own lately start with: well I would, but....

Well I would date you, but I have a gf/bf.

Well, I would have sex with you, but well.....no (i'm not having sex out of a relationship)

Well I would LOVE to go a vacation with you, but I have no money.

Well I would do that for you, but (insert lame excuse here).

I'm having a really bad week. I'm PMSing and instead of getting angry or horny or really happy, this month I'm weepy. And these are the months that suck the most. I let people walk all over me, I feel like I have to cry all the time, sometimes for no reason, and I just feel insecure about everything. Oh, and I pretty much just want to sleep all the time and bawl my eyes out for no apparent reason.

I hate my hormones.

Things never turn out the way I want them to

I think this is pretty self explanatory.

I like to plan things. Things don't like to be planned. They rebel. So nothing happens like i plan it. Maybe I should stop planning things. Yes, and maybe pigs will fly.

Yay! but....disappointed

So today's my birthday, I'm 22! (granted I've felt 22 for a few weeks now, but it's official, woo hoo). I feel like it's a good thing not to be 21 anymore, mostly because of the stigma that goes with being 21. You know, that all you want to do is drink and party and sleep around, that sort of thing. Well, I never really did any of those things to begin with, so i guess i wasn't really ever your typical 21 year old.

There were some things though, that I told myself when I was younger that I would have done by 21. Well, mostly I hoped to have a relationship that lasted longer than a month, but God knows that I can't seem to do that. Also, at 18, I told myself that i wanted to lose my virginity by 21 at least. Well, here i am, 22, and still a virgin. Granted I've had some good times, but since I've never really been with anyone for a long period of time...yeah, I've never gone that far. I don't know if i regret it or not though. I mean, it kinda sucks to be a 22 year old virgin, but at the same time, I still have it. (although i don't really know what having it means, people put a lot of emphasis on having it, like it's some big important deal, a prize to be won or something. I really don't get it, it's never meant anything like that to me. Why should I save it? I honestly don't understand why it's that much of a big deal.)

I also thought at 22 I wouldn't be living with my mother. Yeah, well, we can all see how that went. i didn't think i'd have this much debt either.

Oh well. I'm happy it's my birthday, but at the same time it's still a little depressing, because of the conditions I've put on myself. I guess that's kind of my own fault. I sort of try to plan the future before I know a damn thing about what's going to happen. (ironically, this happens a lot. I am friends and i get into relationships with people I never thought i would be with. I've changed a lot over the years, and I think i'm mature enough to understand that God will give me someone when it's time, and it probably won't be the person that I think it's gonna be. they aren't going to look like what I think they'll look like, but it won't matter. Although i wish God would hurry up. I'm sorta getting tired of waiting and being the one left out all the time.

So that's my birthday post. Happy and sad. woo hoo

Oh, and here's a picture of my cake:


It's an ice cream cake from dairy queen! I'm not allowed to eat it yet (despite the fact that i ordered it, picked it up, AND paid for it), but i'm sure it's yummy!

annoyed

I'm tired of people volunteering me for stuff when i'm already busy. or i just don't want to do it. or they volunteer me and don't tell me. it's annoying.

i'm also annoyed that my bank is now part of wells fargo and i somehow lost all my rewards points. stupid banks and they're stupidness.

i'm also not happy because anything i want for my birthday i can't have or it's too expensive. and my dad keeps asking what i want. i told you. you won't get it. i don't have anything else, just give me cash so i can pay off my loans, ok? or giftcards so i can buy my own damn shit.

i think that's the end of the rant for now.

1 year ago today....

Today is the 1 year anniversary of me starting my job. 1 year ago today I started in the Mechanicsburg store where it was awful, and I hated it. Now I'm in a better store, and I don't really hate it that much. I got a few raises, and I feel like my work really matters.

I'm so glad I'm out of the job at Chocolate World....I haven't had to deal with many foreign people, stupid kids who don't know what they're doing, strange tourists, camp groups, and people who trash the place just because they are on vacation. It's WONDERFUL!

Today is also my sister's 18th birthday. Our decorator at work made her an awesome cake


See? isn't that awesome? She tie dyed the cake with the air brush, and then put coconut on it. And the pics are skulls....cause my sister liked the skulls....

That's pretty much all I got to say for today. I can't wait until my birthday next week. I don't really know why, nothing interesting happens on my birthday, but hell, it means I'm not 21 anymore.

woo!

Gay marriage...take 2

I tried to write about gay marriage, and how i can't believe that it's not legal in America right now. (or whatever the hell you want to call it, i don't care)

Well, writing about it is not that easy. A lot of different people have a lot of different views on this. What I don't understand is WHY. I mean, straight people are allowed to marry, and allowed to get divorced, so why can't gay people? I honestly don't understand this. Why is it automatically assumed that straight people can do things, but gay people have to gain the rights? I mean, we went through all kinds of crap like this before didn't we? With the blacks? and women? So why do we really have to do all of this again? Really?

It just kind of makes me sad. Why do we have to fight so hard for each little thing in our country to change? Are we really that stuck in the past? Think about it. All the things in our country that have changed since it started. If our forefathers were here, they would shit bricks. I don't think this is at all the country they imagined....but it sorta still fits the values they gave us. (Ok, hell, we need to reinvent the whole damn thing.) But would they be disappointed in us compared to the other countries in the world? I think they would. It's taken us SO long to get where we are now. Other countries way behind us, but then again, there are other countries that are way ahead of us. We are supposed to be the country that is different, the country that brings people in, from the places that are against what they believe and make it ok. Well, we're getting there, but we're not quite there yet.

I wrote a paper a little over a year ago about why gay marriage isn't legal yet. There were many reasons, but I think the one that shocked me the most was the age of the people who are voting on this in government. Most of them are old enough to be my father, or even my grandfather (and yes, most of them are still men). They're served in these jobs for longer than I've been alive. And while that may seem all well and good for some things, it's not so good for change. I mean, come on. If you're a stuffy old guy, how many gay people do you see on a daily basis? The ones protesting outside your door...that's probably it. Maybe the ones on tv...which is a GREAT portrayal of us, let me tell you. But do they see the average gay person, the average gay couple? No, they don't. So why would they vote for gay marriage? They don't know anyone that's gay, and it's just gonna make those conservative, old guy voters like themselves angry, which means they might not get elected again. Personally, if I were them, I wouldn't vote for it either. It wouldn't matter to me. It doesn't really affect them. That's really sad.

So why isn't gay marriage legal yet? For a bunch of reasons. Old guys in office. Religious people who think everyone's going to hell. Corruption of our kids (cause we're totally gonna recruit them and make them all gay, that's totally our goal here people). Other reasons that I can't even BEGIN to fathom.

So what are the reasons FOR gay marriage? Well first off, why NOT? Why can't we marry? Why does it matter to you? You don't have to get a gay marriage. Hell, i don't even really care if you call it a marriage. Call it a union. Call it a freakin' unicorn. I DON'T CARE. I just want the same damn rights that you have. Also, did anyone think that gay marriage might help the economy? Might help people stop having to collect unemployment because they could get insurance from their partner? Naw, I guess we didn't think about that either (Don't ask me exactly how it works, I have no idea, but it can't get worse, right?)
Second off, why not improve the lives of thousands of people? (i dunno, maybe millions, i don't think they ask that on the census, so i don't really have a good number for you here.) Hey, marriage is a big step. Just think if there were all these people out there making this big step. They'd be happy. Happy is a good thing.
Third, oh yeah, maybe all those homophobes would get over it. Maybe gay people wouldn't have to hide all the time, and be afraid of telling their parents. Maybe society would accept them. Maybe the whole world would be a little bit more peaceful.

Oh wait, this is gay marriage, not a utopia.....(they never seem to work out anyways)

So that's what I got to say, and you can quote me on this: Gay marriage, why not?

sick

So I'm not feeling so hot today, and I called off work. I almost don't want to call off work because I know my boss is going to make me feel bad for calling off. But seriously, I'm sick. I can't work and my brain isn't working right. So don't make me feel worse. I don't call off unless I'm ACTUALLY sick, unlike some other people who seem to call off all the time. We aren't that busy right now, and you're trying to cut hours anyway, so don't make me feel like an awful person.

I have more to rant about later, but I just woke up again, so that's all for now.

It's not that we don't care, We just know that the fight ain't fair...

First off, woo! I've had over 100 profile views! (I'm insane, I'm aware of this, don't worry.)

Went to the John Mayer and Train concert last night. I was cool. I'll be honest though, I don't much go to concerts, and I feel at least some of it should be about the audience. Train was very good at that, the lead singer (and I don't for the life of me know his name) kept throwing things into the audience, and played it up, and it was a lot of fun. At one point, he even went running through the audience because, as he said, not all of you can afford the expensive seats, and I want to give you guys a chance to see me up close. It was awesome, but I think the security guards HATED it; they were running after him, and trying to keep people away from him, and like....it was AWESOME for us, but they were prolly like, dude, seriously, make more work for us? It was great, I will admit.

John Mayer of the other hand, it was great, it honestly was, but i think it was more for THEM then it was for us. After almost every single song there was a guitar solo, a drum solo, a random jam session....it was almost to the point where I couldn't remember what song it was they had started playing. And John was like, dude, we're jamming, we're having fun, whatever. And that's great. But after every single song? It was a little much for me. That's all I have to say about that. I really enjoyed Train more, I would totally go see them again, any time.

That's all I got for now :)
more to come when I have more ideas

Peace

I'm so Offended!....i think?

Apparently I'm supposed to be offended by the word queer. It's one of those words that old people use to describe gay people. It's said in whispers to one another, like being queer is the plague.

I find this really funny actually. I'm not offended by this word at all. In fact, I identify (my sexual orientation) as queer. So the word that I'm supposed to be offended by really means a lot to me and who I am. Huh. Funny how that works, isn't it?

weird connections

I feel like I need to blog, but I really don't know what to blog about, so I'm just sort of running with it.

Have you ever met a person, whether it be online, as a friend of a friend or something like that, or in person and you just thought: man, I need to get to know this person! I experience that more than most people I guess. There are quite a few people in my life right now, who I talk to occasionally (but what to talk to more), that fit that criteria. There have also been a lot of people in my past, who I am now good friends with who I have talked to for that reason. (Also there are people who I would still like to talk to, but seem to want nothing to do with me, which is their choice entirely, and I can't really do a damn thing about).

I don't know if anyone else has this sort of thing happen, but this is how I met my best friend :) I hope she doesn't mind me talking about this....
I met her in college, we were having a game night in the dorms soon after I started school, and when I met her, all I could think was, "dude, I NEED to be her friend!" She was just so awesome, that I knew that I needed to be friends with her. Fast forward like what, 9 weeks? And she is off to Ireland and I am missing her dearly. That's all the time I really spent with her, about 9-10 weeks, and she is my best friend. We talk all the time, and I go to visit her as often as I can, which isn't often enough, let me tell you. That was one of the first times I have had this feeling, and it turned out great!

I experienced that again lately, with someone who I met online, and while that person isn't talking to me at the moment, I really wish they would. There is quite a back story here that I won't get into, but I really miss them. I don't know if they read this, but if they do....I miss you. I know you don't want to be together in a romantic way, but I'd still very much like to be friends. You are an awesome person.

Also, there are another couple of people who fit this category who I can't decide if I am romantically interested in or not. I just don't know. I want to get to know both of these people better, once, because she seems awesome, and has a life view on things that makes me think. When I talk to her, she makes me calm, and makes me feel like it's ok to do things that I'm doing. The other, well, I sort of know him. I've had crushes on him in the past, and I just like to way his mind things. I would be terribly happy to dissect his head, and hear how he thinks on certain things. I feel a weird strange connection to him, espeically lately, that I can't seem to understand.

Does anyone else ever have feelings like this? Is it just me? Is this God's way of telling me to meet certain people, and putting them in my life since I'm rather introverted? I don't know. If you know, enlighten me.

Hmmm, that went pretty good for not having anything to say! I actually have MORE to say, but since I'm supposed to meet my mom for dinner in 30 mins and I haven't showered yet, that will have to wait.

(this would be the part where I would put a peace sign.....but the keyboard doesn't have one....so.......someone work on this for me, k?)

:(

I'm lonely. I really wish I had someone to spend time with, but it seems like no one wants to spend time with me. I'm not really talking friend wise, because I have some really awesome friends, but none that really live around here. But that's really not the point....I want someone to spend the rest of my life with. I don't know, I'm just feeling lonely lately.

My family is always having some financial problems, and that's really hitting me hard too. It seems like nothing is really working for me lately. I mean, sure, I got a raise at work, but now it seems that I have to start helping out my mom.

I dunno, they say that God's always looking out for me, and that he can only give me what I can handle. But really, I think he's giving me too much lately. It's just one thing after another, after another lately. I'd like a break once in awhile. I know I'm an adult now, and that things are harder....but yeah....it's a lot all at once. I guess I should seriously consider going to see a counselor or something, someone who can help me a little bit.

I dunno, life is just getting me down today.

Update

You all can now post anonymously on my blog. Didn't know you couldn't do that before....sorry!

I've also fixed other things that were messed up that I didn't know how to fix until I just started messing around....yay!

Various Things

It's been a bad week for me, and so I haven't had much to say. Camp is over now, so I think I'm going to be a little better this week. I just felt so left out last week, when I was home, and they were all there. Then, to top it all off, I got a bit of a cold or something and was running a bit of a fever. Oy, I am so glad this week is over. There have been other things going on this week too that have made it bad, but I'm not so sure I want to talk about it at the moment. I miss certain people who don't seem to want to have to do anything with me. And i can understand why....but it still hurts....anyway, this isn't the point.


The point is: why do people only seem to want to see things one way? My family has decided that my job sucks, and that I need a better one because all I do is make pies. Well, that's true, and it drives me nuts, but at least I have a full time job, with benefits, and really awesome cheap insurance. I pointed this out to my family today, as my cousin, who is 2 years older than I am, quit his good job at the hospital because it was boring, and now works at Subway, while going to school. He also still lives with his mother. So how does this make me a worse person than him? Yeah, I'd like to know that too.
I'm the first one on the side of the family to finish college, hell, to GO to college at all, and it seems like no one cares. I dunno, I'd just like someone to care once in awhile, instead of telling me that I'm a bum, I'm fat, I need to diet, I need a better job, etc. Because it HURTS to hear that from your family all the time. Can't someone recognize the accomplishments that I have? Accomplishments that no one else in my family seems to be able to do? I guess not.

Another thing that bothers me is work, and while I don't think I should talk about it too much on here, there is one thing I'd like to say: I don't like how there are different standards for different people. I've been there a year (give or take a week), and I know that my boss has high standards for me. I just feel like she doesn't have the same standards for everyone else, and many of them have been there longer. I mean, I know that's a good thing I guess, that she expects more of me, but I wish that sometimes the other people would help out a little more. Because I can only go so far.

I guess that's all I have to say right now. I keep getting distracted by the movie I'm watching.....I'm having a mighty ducks marathon :) watching the first two tonight, and the third one after work tomorrow. Honestly, I do have a lot more to say, and if I had access to this while I was at work and had more time to think I'd have like 8 billion updates. But I can't, so I don't .

Anyway, bye for now, I'm sure to have more later.