I feel OLD

In 19 days I will be 22. I remember when I was little, and 20 was OLD. Well man, do I feel old....

Just in the past couple of days, I really started to realize some things. First off, I really DO feel like an adult. For the first time in my life, at almost age 22, I feel like I'm an adult. Now, according to the government, that happened 4 years ago. (and, this also means that in 13 days, my baby sister will be an adult, and that's just SCARY) But I really didn't feel like an adult until this week. And it's camp week, and I think that's kind of the problem. At this time last year, I had decided to leave my old job, because of circumstances that was unsatisfactory, and find a new one. I had just gotten hired, but hadn't started quite yet. I was also just finishing school (aka, retaking the class i had dropped so i wouldn't flunk it). I was in a very big transition period, and I don't think i really realized that at the time, how big it really was. I was done with school, and about a start my life as a full-time, with benefits employee. One year later, it's actually starting to hit me: I'm an adult.

I think it's mostly because I get on facebook and I read how all my friends are finishing college and looking for jobs (they're also getting married and having babies, but that's a COMPLETELY different story altogether), and I'm realizing I already did that. I've had a full time job for ONE WHOLE YEAR (minus 13 days, but for the sake of things, let's pretend it's a year). I've had insurance that I have paid for, on my own, for 9 months (granted, I pay hardly anything for insurance, which is AMAZING, but not the point). I've been paying off student loans for the colleges I attended for going on 7 months now. Unfortunately, I still live with my mother, so i can't include that in here, but otherwise, I'm an adult. It blows my mind.

I was talking to my boss today about how I'm getting a raise, and was thanking her for telling the high up boss about the good work I do. And she was like, no, thank YOU for doing such good work. Then she started talking about how, when I started there, we had a few problems, and I had a few quirks that they had to sorta figure out before I became part of the team, but now, she really doesn't know what she would do without me. She told me that I had really grown up in the past year, and that I am really good employee that she can depend on. Which, first off, made me feel amazing, because it's always great to hear that, but second off, it made me feel like an adult. I don't feel like the kid in the bakery anymore, who doesn't really know anything. I'm someone that people can come to, and I know stuff. Frankly, I know more stuff than some of the people who have been there for years. I feel important. I feel needed. And i really like it. (granted i wish i made more money and didn't get reprimanded for doing stupid things, but that's another story entirely)

Hmm, I never actually made the point about camp week making me feel old too....oh well, here it is:
I have been at camp this week every single year since I was in 4th grade. That's since I was 8 years old. That's 13 years. I can't really tell you anything else that I have done for 13 years. And I couldn't do it this year. I have a full time job, and no vacation until my year mark, which is still a few weeks off, and really, I can't afford to take off without pay a whole week (nor can they really do without me). So I couldn't go to camp this year. That's like woah. I know it may not seem this way to anyone who's not me, but really this is a big giant step in my life. And this week has been really hard. Knowing that they are all out there, doing the same things that we do every year, and I am here, doing the same thing I have done for almost a year, and not out there with them.....it really makes me sad. I'm missing so much. (Fortunately I am going out tonight to surprise them, and then I'm going back tomorrow for the evening, which will be awesome, but still not quite the same - I'm going to feel like an outsider in my home.)

I just can't believe it. I really can't. I'm an adult. It's not that I'm having a hard time dealing with it, no, it was a long time coming, it's just.....I'm shocked. I didn't know it feel like this. I didn't know that one day I was just going to wake up and realize that I wasn't a kid, a wasn't a teen, I wasn't a punk youth anymore, I was an adult. But hey, that's how it happened. That is usually how stuff happens for me, I wake up one day and just feel.....different. I really don't know how to deal with this yet. I'm still shocked.

Wow, I'm an adult.....who knew?