I feel OLD

In 19 days I will be 22. I remember when I was little, and 20 was OLD. Well man, do I feel old....

Just in the past couple of days, I really started to realize some things. First off, I really DO feel like an adult. For the first time in my life, at almost age 22, I feel like I'm an adult. Now, according to the government, that happened 4 years ago. (and, this also means that in 13 days, my baby sister will be an adult, and that's just SCARY) But I really didn't feel like an adult until this week. And it's camp week, and I think that's kind of the problem. At this time last year, I had decided to leave my old job, because of circumstances that was unsatisfactory, and find a new one. I had just gotten hired, but hadn't started quite yet. I was also just finishing school (aka, retaking the class i had dropped so i wouldn't flunk it). I was in a very big transition period, and I don't think i really realized that at the time, how big it really was. I was done with school, and about a start my life as a full-time, with benefits employee. One year later, it's actually starting to hit me: I'm an adult.

I think it's mostly because I get on facebook and I read how all my friends are finishing college and looking for jobs (they're also getting married and having babies, but that's a COMPLETELY different story altogether), and I'm realizing I already did that. I've had a full time job for ONE WHOLE YEAR (minus 13 days, but for the sake of things, let's pretend it's a year). I've had insurance that I have paid for, on my own, for 9 months (granted, I pay hardly anything for insurance, which is AMAZING, but not the point). I've been paying off student loans for the colleges I attended for going on 7 months now. Unfortunately, I still live with my mother, so i can't include that in here, but otherwise, I'm an adult. It blows my mind.

I was talking to my boss today about how I'm getting a raise, and was thanking her for telling the high up boss about the good work I do. And she was like, no, thank YOU for doing such good work. Then she started talking about how, when I started there, we had a few problems, and I had a few quirks that they had to sorta figure out before I became part of the team, but now, she really doesn't know what she would do without me. She told me that I had really grown up in the past year, and that I am really good employee that she can depend on. Which, first off, made me feel amazing, because it's always great to hear that, but second off, it made me feel like an adult. I don't feel like the kid in the bakery anymore, who doesn't really know anything. I'm someone that people can come to, and I know stuff. Frankly, I know more stuff than some of the people who have been there for years. I feel important. I feel needed. And i really like it. (granted i wish i made more money and didn't get reprimanded for doing stupid things, but that's another story entirely)

Hmm, I never actually made the point about camp week making me feel old too....oh well, here it is:
I have been at camp this week every single year since I was in 4th grade. That's since I was 8 years old. That's 13 years. I can't really tell you anything else that I have done for 13 years. And I couldn't do it this year. I have a full time job, and no vacation until my year mark, which is still a few weeks off, and really, I can't afford to take off without pay a whole week (nor can they really do without me). So I couldn't go to camp this year. That's like woah. I know it may not seem this way to anyone who's not me, but really this is a big giant step in my life. And this week has been really hard. Knowing that they are all out there, doing the same things that we do every year, and I am here, doing the same thing I have done for almost a year, and not out there with them.....it really makes me sad. I'm missing so much. (Fortunately I am going out tonight to surprise them, and then I'm going back tomorrow for the evening, which will be awesome, but still not quite the same - I'm going to feel like an outsider in my home.)

I just can't believe it. I really can't. I'm an adult. It's not that I'm having a hard time dealing with it, no, it was a long time coming, it's just.....I'm shocked. I didn't know it feel like this. I didn't know that one day I was just going to wake up and realize that I wasn't a kid, a wasn't a teen, I wasn't a punk youth anymore, I was an adult. But hey, that's how it happened. That is usually how stuff happens for me, I wake up one day and just feel.....different. I really don't know how to deal with this yet. I'm still shocked.

Wow, I'm an adult.....who knew?

AGT

You know what? America's Got Talent makes me happy. I'm glad it's on in the summer when there isn't much else on and I have time to appreciate it. It's a damn funny show. Really. A lot of people keep telling me it's dumb, but it honestly makes me smile every single time i watch it. And that's great, because usually I'm not all that happy when i'm watching it. Thank God for small miracles.

Seriously? Do you think we're that dumb?

Ok, so I just finished watching the latest episode of Huge on ABCfamily (yes, I watch that show) it's seems to be like the only good one they have on there right now, I mean, have you SEEN secret life? it's awful. right, the point: this show seems to be getting worse. The entire freaking episode was like, oh my god, i like her and she doesn't like me, oh my god, i like him, does he like me? oh my god, what if no one ever likes me? I mean SERIOUSLY, do the producers really think that teenagers need this much drama? Have they ever been a teenager? Do they understand that teenagers lives are already drama filled enough? They don't need more media outlets telling them that they need to fall in love and do stupid things, frankly, there is enough of that out there already!

It's times like this I feel like a grown-up, cause I can say these things, and realize that I'm beyond this sort of thing. Even though I've never really HAD a relationship that's lasted that long, well, I can say that I don't want it to be a freakin drama filled teenage angst thing. I'm not going into what I want now, because that's not the point. The point is: media outlets think teenagers are stupid. Especially teenage girls. Either that or I was never a typical teenage girl (hell, I prolly wasn't. I'm not really typical in any other way, so why should I be in that way?)

The only good part of this episode was the epic rip they did on twilight. About a girl who falls in love with a ghost.

I feel old. And bitter. Stupid love.

My first post

Well, here I go, my first post on my blog:

I don't really know what to put on the first post. Will people someday come back and read this, and be like "it all started here" or will they care less? Actually, since this blog is less for them and more for me, I guess I shouldn't care. But I always will. I will always care about what other people think. Hmm, I guess that's a good first subject to post with as any: the reason why I am doing this (subtitle) what do people really think about me? (or do they at all)

So, I am starting this blog for me. Mostly because I feel that I need somewhere online to post what I am thinking, what I am going through in life, and hope that either someone will try to help me out, or that my words and the conclusions I reach may someday help someone else. I should really go see a therapist, but this is way cheaper, so here I am. Also, I tend to think about things that I'd really like to share, but before now, didn't really have a place to share them. Well I do now!

Ok, so let's lay out who this is going to work: I'm Danielle, I don't use proper grammar, I don't like to capitalize things, and if I get really angry I swear a lot. So that's how this blog is going to be, it's going to be about my life, and what happens to me, as well as random things I think about.

Ok, so back to the subtitle: What do people think about me? (Or do they at all?)
While it doesn't seem like it to most people, I am very concerned about what people think of me. Not so much what I look like, but if they like me or not, and if they talk about me behind my back. I'm always curious what people say about me behind my back, because honestly, this is the way that someone really thinks about you - how they talk about you when you're not around. I try a person that people will like, but let's face it, not everyone in the this will like me all the time. Hell, some people won't ever like me at all, and usually for stupid reasons. But I'm not going to change who I am to be someone who these people like, and that's important too. I'm going to be who I am, and I don't feel the need to change that to fit in with what someone thinks about me.

So yeah, even though I want people to like me as a person overall, I'm not going to change who I am to get them to like me. Does that show maturity? I hope so. Because I've lived my life long enough trying to change who I am so someone accepts me. I've learned that that doesn't really work, because while people might like you, it's not really you that they're liking, it's the persona you created. And unless you want to be the person all the time, well at some time they're not gonna like you again.

Am I paranoid because I think people are talking about me all the time? Probably. Does this mean I'm going to stop worrying about it? I doubt it. All of us on earth, whether we admit it or not, care about what other people think to some extent. You may not care what ALL people think, but there is at least one person in the world, probably more than one, that you want approval from. It's true, think about it, who do you always need to impress? Who do you always ask for their opinion? Who's opinion do you care about, whether you ask or not? See, you DO care about what SOMEONE thinks. I'm pretty sure that's normal, but don't quote me on it.

Ok, so this seems a good place to end my first post. Cya!